Mancandy Wednesday: Tyrion Lannister

There's one thing that bothers me about casting Peter Dinklage as Tyrion in the new Game of Thrones adaptation. I mean, yes, yes. He's an amazing actor. He makes every witty thing Tyrion says in the books come to unearthly life. He's both grave and teasing, serious and not. Everything is almost perfect about him, except for one thing.

The books describe Tyrion thusly:

"grotesque"

"Head too large for his body, squashed-in face beneath a shelf of brow"

"ugly"

And then this is the gorgeous flawless handsome motherfucker they cast:





And it's even worse in the show! He looks even more handsome, despite the fact that shouldn't be earthly possible:




I mean, seriously. How is Jaime Lannister supposed to be "the handsome one" with this flawless God walking around the place, being his usual badass self? I don't even get why he's always having to pay for it, because if I was some warrior queen* shooting the shit out of everybody in George RR Martin's fantasy world, you can bet your ass I'd be all over him like white on rice. Or something more medieval-y, like skins on a potato.

And then I'd murder all the Lannisters and all the Starks and just fucking everybody, and rule the realm with him as my King.

Because you know he deserves to be. I've read all of book one and almost all of book two in a fever of reading-crack, and you have to know that Tyrion Lannister only gets even more badass and flawless as the story progresses. Never mind King of Westeros. He deserves to be King of Everything right here and now.

And then inbetween being King of Everything he can be a filthy little lecher all over me. Lech to your heart's content, my love. Lech until the cows come home. Let us lech in our feather bed of deviant iniquity, with all the delights of Medieval Land around us: suckling pig, mead, strange sexual devices the likes of which my own pristine world has never known.

Or failing that, I could just watch you slap the shit out of Joffrey forever and ever and ever:




*Status of self in George RR Martin's fantasy world may have been greatly exaggerated. In fact, it's far more likely that I'd just be some fat peasant wench and Tyrion Lannister wouldn't bother himself to fart in my general direction.

Hot Zombie Threesomes

And no, I don't mean zombies having sex with each other. I mean humans having sex with each other in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, hurrah!

Because that's totally what happens in the middle of my zombie apocalypse book, Reawakening. Apocalypse getting you down? Too many zombies to just kick back and relax?

Have a threesome. It's a well known cure for almost any amount of gore, terror, and death.

And the reason I'm giving this public service announcement? Resplendence Publishing agreed to take on my mad, horny, zombie apocalypse opus, and here's the cover for it:



Orsum, right? Look at the flames! The gigantic amount of glorious male ass! The shadowy things that could possibly be zombies! I love that they put the shadowy things on there.

And I love all the nakedness, too, because I specifically asked for some and oh, the wonderful art department there obliged.

Can you tell I'm psyched about this? Doubly so because I honestly thought this story might never see the light of day. I became scared of it (probably because it's full of marauding zombies and Sharlto Copley's twin brother being too handsome for my eyes to bear), and wasn't sure if I should press on with trying to get it published.

But there's a lesson in that: always press on. Thank you to my lovely editors both at EC and RP for reminding me of that.

Mancandy Monday: Punk Armie

Look, right. I'm totally allowed to do this. Just because I've already had, like, seventeen Armie Hammer posts, does not mean I cannot have another one under the guise of him being a totally different person.

Because behold!

In the shitty DTV suspense horror trapped in an elevator movie Blackout, he actually does look like a different person! Hoorah, double the fantasies!

And you know I'm having them double fantasies. I mean, God, just look at him:

Just look at how much he seems like he's wearing eyeliner. But you know what? I don't even think it is eyeliner. I think his eyelashes are just so immense and dark they block out all sunlight. You could use them to shade yourself on the beach. In fact, you could just use all of Armie Hammer to shade yourself on the beach, because he's the size of a truck and also he seems very amenable, even when he's playing a disaffected punk type.

Which as you all know, is something I sort of maybe like a little bit. Big solid man? Check. Hairy all over? Check. Willing to do anything like some sort of mad, sexually flexible and over eager puppy? CHECK CHECK CHECK.

Though in truth, none of these things are what I like about punk Armie. Punk Armie is more broody, he's more secretive, he probably has piercings in his knob. Or if not in his knob, than at least in a nipple or two.

And though I rarely think about piercings, when they're on Armie Hammer I find myself thinking about them a lot. I think about the earring he's got in the cartilage of his ear, as Punk Armie, and somehow that's even hotter than the idea of one being in his nipple. I want to bite the piercing in the wrong bit of his ear, and lick it, and pull it, and ask him what the fook he was thinking putting it there.

And then maybe I want to ask him about all the other mysterious things on his body, like the tattoos - because seriously, what better pleasure is there to be had with a punk than exploring all of his markings like a dog looking for fleas on another dog? Like that bit in Lethal Weapon 3 when they share scars, only cool and without that racist woman beating douchebag Mel Gibson.

Punk Armie would never rant about Jewish sugary boobies, or whatever it was Mel said. Punk Armie is glorious and quiet and in my head he's forever saving my heroine from a life of repression and mediocrity.

Which is so the other way around to the things I usually write that I just have to love him more. Next thing you know I'll be writing about him tying my heroine up then spanking her with a paddle, and then where will we be?

Slap bang in the middle of the apocalypse, that's where.

P.S. The single title release of my menage tale, Lust Dazed, is out now from Total-e-Bound: http://www.total-e-bound.com/product.asp?strParents=&CAT_ID=&P_ID=1164 But just to be absolutely clear, it was previously released in the anthology Threefold!