Mancandy Monday: The Beast

Yeah yeah yeah I know I keep saying I don't like alphas. But another one slipped through the cracks, okay? Maybe if he wasn't the most perfect representation of an alpha male to ever exist, he wouldn't have. But tough titties because he is and so here we are, with me drooling all over a cartoon character from a much loved Disney movie. That's right. This guy: I mean, for a start he's still somehow handsome. Even though he looks like a cross between a bear and a lion. Can you imagine having sex with a bear-lion? Can you? It'd be like doing it with a lawnmower. A hairy, hairy lawnmower. Not cool, brain, not cool.
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Though I suppose the wider question should be: how on earth am I going to have sex with him anyway BECAUSE HE'S A CARTOON. What's wrong with me? Why do I want a cartoon? I mean, I'm fully aware that none of the men I crush on are real in the strictest sense, but at the very least Armie Hammer does actually exist and if I was mad I could fly to Hollywood, break into his house, and sleep under his bed. I could take pictures of him while he was sleeping, and prove his existence.
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How the fook do I prove the Beast from Beauty and the Beast's existence? He's a drawing. He was made with pencils. I don't even know what's going on in my head, swear to God.
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And yet I still find him sexy. I like that he's a total asshole at the beginning, but here's the kicker: he has plenty of reason to be an asshole. That's what makes him great! All the alphas who are just assholes for no apparent reason whatsoever: FOOK YOU! Check this guy, man.
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He's lived in a cold abandoned castle of a kingdom that doesn't seem to exist for about a zillion years, with only a teapot and a candlestick for company - a candlestick and a teapot who used to be, like, his best friends, until an evil witch TURNED THEM INTO HOUSEHOLD OBJECTS BECAUSE HE WAS A BIT OF A JERK ONE TIME.
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No, no. That's really what happens. And she doesn't stop there, either. Just as he's thinking Jezzuz Crist, man, you just turned a little kid into a teacup you psychopath, she turns him into a bear-lion. For the terrible and most heinous crime of refusing her offer of a flower for a stay in his luxurious five star castle.
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I mean seriously. Can you imagine turning up to the Hilton with a bunch of daisies in your pocket, expecting a suite?
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Didn't think so.
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Really, he has every reason to be a bit pissed. Plus, you know. He's a bear-lion. All his shouting probably comes across much louder than it actually is, because bear roar x lion roar = some fookin sound I can't even imagine. He's probably actually like a T-Rex inside.
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So how much more does it mean when Belle melts his heart? Loads more, that's what. He's justifiably angry, he's lonely, he's some kind of terrible dinosaur hybrid, his only friends are things you more typically drink tea out of. I can't even do the math on this one - it's incalculable odds and yet he falls for her anyway and even starts throwing snowballs at her and dancing in his Sunday best. Plus he lets her read millions of books, which is really all I want out of my eighteenth century castle dwelling beast-man.
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What can I say? I have realistic expectations. Of cartoons.
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Oh, and also: he's hot when he's a dude, too. Shut up, he is. I'd somehow convinced myself that the beast was way hotter but I watched the movie again last night and I realise my brain has been lying to me all this time. His nostrils are perfectly reasonably sized, and he has lovely Armie Hammer coloured hair not horrible weird Hercules hair.
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And so now I can totally bring all of this into the realms of reality and have Armie Hammer charging about a giant drafty castle after me, wearing nothing but a cape and a pair of shorts. Because I swear to God, that's all the Beast wears throughout the film. Just that. Nothing else.
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Yeah, I paid attention. What of it?