Mancandy Tuesday: Howard Wolowitz

Don't say anything. Just don't. I know already. I've even made a list of all the ways in which Howard Wolowitz from The Big Bang Theory is completely not a Mancandy. Such as:

1. He has a haircut that roughly resembles a penis. And that's not even my obvious and by now quite out of control penis obsession talking! Behold!

And just in case my utterly scientific diagram isn't clear enough, I've created a double of his haircut using the same penis and super-imposed it flawlessly on his head:

2. He has no discernable neck. I'm not even going to attempt an incredible manipulation of a picture using MS Paint, here. You can see it for yourself without me making a fool of myself with a computer, too much time on my hands, and an unhealthy hunger for penises.

Check it out:

There's no neck there, right? It's just all head, then straight on down into body. Makes me wonder where his neck went. Is his penis so huge that the weight of it has actually dragged his head down into his torso?

Or is that just my mentulomania talking?

3. His clothes. Of course, on the face of it, there isn't anything wrong with his clothes. His belts are fantastic. I love his shoes. He wears a variety of tight pants in some splendid colours.

But the problem is, he wears them all together.

And yet...and yet...I want him. He is a Mancandy. He's practically the very definition of Mancandy, because he's small and sweet and he comes in primary coloured wrappers.

I don't even care that his head looks like a penis or that he has no neck. I don't care that he says the following to a woman on the show:

"How is doable anything but a compliment?"

I just want to rip those candy wrapper clothes off his small but weirdly angular body. I want him to hop nimbly around in front of me, like he does on the show all the time. I want him to yell at his Mother to leave him alone while he has a play date with me on his ridiculous bed.

I love his Jewishness, I love his cheeky smile, I love his pathetic attempts at wooing women. I love that he dresses up as a Goth to try and get a girl.

Oh Howard Wolowitz, I'd be that girl. And then after I'd been that girl all over you and under you and back to front with you, we could play Mario Kart all night long together.

Sounds like bliss, to me.