Monday, May 31, 2010

Mancandy Monday: Steve Guttenberg

Yeah, what of it? I mean, come on. Check this bitch out:

That's him in Cocoon, being all unashamedly hairy and small-shorts-wearing, all the while beaming that big cheeky grin of his because I tell you, my thirteen-year-old crush having self knew. She just knew on some level that he was the kind of guy who loved taking off his clothes, and would do just about whatever you wanted him to, in the sack. The kind of laidback, uncaring guy who'd be all "Oh, you want me to bite down hard on this little piece of wood? Oh, okay, I guess, sure! That sounds like fun, why not?!"

Because he's just. That. Amiable and open to weird sex games.

I remember first seeing him in Police Academy, wearing this:

And to this day, the Police Academy theme song still turns me on. It's like pavlov's dog, only with a jaunty, protector of the people kind of whistly tune instead of a bell. And it's in part because of Mahoney, but also because of this HBIC:

I wanted to be her. I wanted to be her, and get Mahoney in a headlock with my thighs. I still sometimes do. I still sometimes do, always, Steve Guttenberg. You were a big hairy man and it was kind of weird to fancy you while all my friends liked hairless little drippy pale creatures like the monsters out of The Descent, but I didn't care.

I loved you just the same. And maybe also wanted to make your voice go all high-pitched the way it sometimes did in all your movies, while possibly having weird alien sex with you that obviously made you nervous.*

*I swear to God, it actually happens in the movie Cocoon. Honestly. Go see it, it happens. No wonder I was so sexually confused.


  1. Ok. When I saw the title I was going to say, oh dear, no, this is a bridge too far for me.

    But now that I see it from your 13 year old pov, well, who can disagree with that little girl in 80's hairy wonderland?

  2. Oh, how I wish I could still live in 80s hairy wonderland! It sounds like a magnificent place.