Mancandy Monday: Craig Bierko

Who? I hear you cry. Well, I hear you cry that about most of my Mancandies, but this is a particularly egregious example of people not knowing who he is when everybody should. Seriously, he should be a massive star. And not only because he's 6"5.

I mean, just take a look at him:

He's gorgeous, in a way that just skims conventional but doesn't leave you feeling too boring. He's built like a bear:






But he's not rippling with testosterone and bulging in a way that makes you think of about-to-burst sausages. He could conceivably play Garg from the planet Buttcheek, in a sexy novel entitled Aliens That Mysteriously Look Like Ginormous Human Alpha Beefcakes, And Want To Have Sex With You. And yet he's also totally funny and witty and sardonic and all of those awesome things that Garg so often lacks.

He may well be the perfect man. He's got charisma out the yin-yang. But somehow, he's only slightly more famous than your local bin-man. It's a tragedy, I tell ya! Can't somebody give this man a sitcom that isn't cancelled in five seconds, and lets him wise-ass his way through a mess of gloss, ala Nathan Fillion in Castle?

Here look, I'll invent a sitcom/crime procedural/mix of the two for him. He's a smart-assing journalist from the right side of the tracks, who hooks up with a fat, ugger of an FBI agent called Sharlotte Chein. She's meant to be too-thin and too-pretty, but it's my show so shut up. He keeps getting himself into trouble, like ending up down a well in a serial killer's basement, and she has to bail him out by using night vision goggles and being Jodie Foster.

Sounds awesome, eh? That'll never get cancelled in a million years. Mix in a bit of other shit and some movies everybody loves, and it's gold. Don't worry, Craig Bierko. I've got your immense back.

Mancandy Monday: Topher Grace

Because he's hot, okay? He is, shut up. He has these big green eyes and this little mean mouth, and sometimes when he's staring out of some awful film he's in, or some cheesy TV program, you just know he's thinking evol thoughts.

Exhibit A:





I mean, those eyes say something, don't they. They say terribly dry, sarcastic things without him putting a lick of effort into it.

And now I hear he's playing a serial killer, in the new Predators movie.

There is just nothing I can say to that. My feelings about the weird evolness lurking beneath his calm, almost bland and boyish exterior have been validated. Someone else has seen it, now!

Only in my version of Predators, he's actually a kinky deviant underneath the cool, glassy exterior. He's been thrown onto a planet of aliens to be hunted because he secretly enjoys wearing ladies' underthings, or likes having things shoved up his butt until he cries.

Although why such things should earn a punishment like "being eviscerated by a monster with an obvious vagina for a face" I do not know. Sorry, Topher. But really- you needn't worry. I'm on the planet, too- maybe because I forgot to pay a fine or ate too much egg mayonnaise. And I turn out to be a secret badass, naturally, because it's the movie in my head and I can do whatever I like, ok?

Ok. So I choose to suddenly save secret kinky deviant Topher Grace from vagina aliens, and then we do stuff. Hopefully stuff that he isn't too traumatised to do, because my fanny looks like the face of the thing that's just tried to eat him.

He'll have probably read feminist theory on the monstrous-feminine. I'm sure we'll be fine.

Past Pleasures Cover!

At first I got given a different cover- and it was lovely. There wasn't anything wrong with it. Only...Past Pleasures is sci-fi. It's set in the far, far future. There are no women in existence, and loads of horny desperate men. A woman ends up in the middle of all of them, and the other cover didn't quite suggest that.

THIS, on the other hand:




Yeah. I think that suggests horny desperate men in the far future. And I'm so grateful to my publisher for deciding to change it, and give me this fabulous sci-fi-y cover with the orgasm-faced dude. Perfection.

God, I'm excited about this book.

Also, I'm blogging today over at the Grip for the first time, so if you fancied dropping by, Bertha? Or anyone? I would love you a million times. Almost as many times as the horny dude on my cover would love you, if you suddenly appeared in his boob-less world and starting bobbling them about.

http://ohgetagrip.blogspot.com/2010/06/cheesy-dirty-talk.html

News Updates

Duh-duh-DUH-duh-duh-duh-duh-DUH

That was my news update theme song. Just picture a giant me twirling behind a title card that says: "Useless Things You Don't Want To Know". And if you're having trouble picturing me, I look like sausage meat squeezed into a bag too small for it, with skin so pale it's almost transparent and one crooked eye. I don't know why the crooked eye is important, and it probably isn't really crooked, but hopefully it kind of makes me sound like a pirate.

Anyway, here are some things that have happened to me recently!

* The Things That Make Me Give In is going to be translated into a German! How cool is that? Unfortunately, the words "I am eight years old" are not in my book (mainly because that would probably make my book very disturbing), so I will not be able to understand a single word of it. As you may now guess, I last learnt German at the age of eight.

* I got a fabulous review from Fallen Angel Reviews, and they made me a recommended read!

http://fallenangelreviews.com/2010/May/maija-thethingsthatmakemegivein.htm

* I'm going to be a contributor at the Oh Get a Grip blog! So look out for yet more rambling nonsense from me, there. I'll be posting every Tuesday, I believe, and this week it's going to be about communication. Haven't decided what I'll write, yet. Probably something about communicating sexually with Murdock on the astral plane.

* Biggest news this week: my story, Carnal Craving, is going to be in Maxim Jakubowski's Mammoth Book of Hot Romance. A fact that I can hardly believe, considering the talent he's lined up for it. It was a shock to hear the news, and a delight to realise that I'm going to be amidst those covers with such amazing people, including my writing pal, Justine Elyot.

* Edits are done on Tigerlily, and it's all primed and ready for its July 19th release date. Am going to be doing some promo stuff for it with the other fabulous ladies who are part of this collection: Jessica Jarman, Rachel Randall and Bronwyn Green. So look out for that!

* Have almost done pre-edits on The Horizon. Had a dream last night that I got to the end, and found that the last chapter was missing. Permanently missing. Not in existence anywhere. Woke up mid-sob of despair. I don't need Dr Freud to tell me what that means.

* And finally, am trying to write my geek story, Often Wrong, but find myself struggling lately. I keep second guessing myself, and I think it's because of the big opportunities that are sort of coming my way. I'm massively, hugely, relievedly grateful for them, but sometimes they scare me a little bit. What if I get things wrong? What if I blow my big chances (yeah, I said chances. Recently something absolutely huge happened, and though it's still up in the air and I've no idea if it will pan out and am on constant tenterhooks, it's still got me all "I'm going to blow things up"), and write all the wrong things, and everybody winds up hating me? Must stop psyching myself out.

Anyhoo, I think that's about it, on the news front. My summer is now open, and am going to spend it not wasting my small glimmer of talent, I swear. I plan to work like a dog, starting now. No second guessing. No tears because it's not coming out right. Just write.

Mancandy Monday: New Murdock

Yeah, I know I'm cheating. I've done Murdock once already, I hear you cry, Bertha. But as I actually found orsum screencaps of New Murdock as played by bonafide love God, Sharlto Copley, I thought I'd fookin' cheat.

Here he is, looking like he needs me to ride him, while he continues to wear this hat:

God, imagine the role-playing sex games you could play with Murdock! The doctors and nurses, the cowboys and indians, the escaped mental patient and the woman who loves him...I weep, for the endless possibilities.

And I also weep because I've only just found other women who are apparently also in the black hole of Sharlto lust. I thought it was just me! But no, apparently there are a whole bunch of other mentals, saying stuff like "from my bedroom floor" when someone asks where he got that t-shirt from. Women who rave about his forearms (pictured here):

Simply because they're magnetically hairy and I don't fookin' know just magnificent in some sort of indescribable way, even for an author who spends her time trying to talk about how sexy various body parts are.

And that's not even getting into the secret, shameful, perverted sexiness of this:

The sexiness that I pretended I didn't notice, and went on about my life as though I was just as normal as anyone else and never thought about doing it with a man who's half-alien, half-human in the really, really BAD way. Not in the Gor from the planet Manbeef kind of looks like Fabio sort of way.

The bad, gross way, that all of these other girls totally liked anyway!

I have never felt such a sense of belonging in the human race, as I do right now.

P.S. I got a cover for Tigerlily, my Sultry Solstice novella from TEB! And it's got a link, now, and everything! There are three titles under my name on their website! Out July 19th:

http://www.total-e-bound.com/product.asp?strParents=&CAT_ID=&P_ID=845

Yes, I Am Excited About The New A-Team Movie

You might have heard. Have you heard? Let me say it again.

I AM EXCITE.






If that isn't as close to essence of Murdock as someone could possibly get without being Dwight Schultz, I don't know what is. The wild, crazy eyes. The slipping into weird, unfathomable accents. The dangling off things and the singing and the little salute he does.

I heart you so much right now, Sharlto. So fookin' much, swear to God.