Because he's hot, okay? He is, shut up. He has these big green eyes and this little mean mouth, and sometimes when he's staring out of some awful film he's in, or some cheesy TV program, you just know he's thinking evol thoughts.
I mean, those eyes say something, don't they. They say terribly dry, sarcastic things without him putting a lick of effort into it.
And now I hear he's playing a serial killer, in the new Predators movie.
There is just nothing I can say to that. My feelings about the weird evolness lurking beneath his calm, almost bland and boyish exterior have been validated. Someone else has seen it, now!
Only in my version of Predators, he's actually a kinky deviant underneath the cool, glassy exterior. He's been thrown onto a planet of aliens to be hunted because he secretly enjoys wearing ladies' underthings, or likes having things shoved up his butt until he cries.
Although why such things should earn a punishment like "being eviscerated by a monster with an obvious vagina for a face" I do not know. Sorry, Topher. But really- you needn't worry. I'm on the planet, too- maybe because I forgot to pay a fine or ate too much egg mayonnaise. And I turn out to be a secret badass, naturally, because it's the movie in my head and I can do whatever I like, ok?
Ok. So I choose to suddenly save secret kinky deviant Topher Grace from vagina aliens, and then we do stuff. Hopefully stuff that he isn't too traumatised to do, because my fanny looks like the face of the thing that's just tried to eat him.
He'll have probably read feminist theory on the monstrous-feminine. I'm sure we'll be fine.