And yes, I know everyone rags on Edward Cullen. It's become somehow the cool thing to do, along with despising Twilight. But I don't exactly hate Twilight, and I don't hate him. I've just found him progressively less hot from movie to movie until I arrived at this place, while watching Eclipse last night.
Edward Cullen/Robert Pattinson is not hot to me. And not just because he's kind of a stalker, talks over Bella a lot and seems to think she can't make her own decisions, is ludicrously old-fashioned and hasn't progressed at all in hundreds of years and is sometimes a douche.
It's also because of these things, that I'm going to scientifically break down in a logical Professor-ly manner.
1. He wears uglymake-up.
Not even nice make-up, like Michael Sheen in eyeliner. Ugly make-up.
2. He wears too much of this make-up
3. He has stupid contact lenses:
His natural eyes are much better.
4. He pulls dumb, constipated looking faces when he's trying to seem loving.
5. I'll go with an easy, too obvious one. His face is a bit like a banana.
And yes, I know a lot of these things aren't Edward Cullen or Robert Pattinson's fault (the constipation aside, that's totally his fault. Eat more fruit, Edward!). But even so, all of them contribute to my feelings of non-hotness, towards him. And I have to live with that. Daily, I have to face the fact that I like weirdos and goofy looking motherfookers, but cannot fancy Edward Cullen.
It's a tragedy. If only his face wasn't a bit like a banana, and the make up lady hadn't gone nuts with the foundation and the lipstick and Robert Pattinson had taken some Ex-lax! If only, if only. I could have loved him, and been normal.
But alas. Instead I'm just...this thing.