Mancandy Monday: Niles Crane

Don't look at me like that. He's hot, okay? Or more accurately, I've been watching a lot of Frasier, recently, and I keep noticing little weird things about him that disguise themselves as hot. Or maybe they don't disguise themselves. Maybe they are just hot. I don't know.

I've compiled a list, to help me decide:

1. He's really hairy. I know when you look at him it doesn't seem like he's hairy, but I promise he is. You can take my word for it. Though really, you're going to have to take my word for it because I mysteriously can't find a bare-chested picture of him.

2. Whenever he's about to say something witty, he gets this little cheeky glint in his eye. I deeply enjoy the contrast between witty, and cheeky. As though witty to him is just cheeky, because he's that brilliant or I don't know. I'm just rambling now about stuff in his eyeballs.

3. All the random bursts of total horniness. He's uptight and stuffy and he wipes chairs down before he sits on them. And yet he lusts like a lusty thing on lust day after Daphne, and various other women on the show. If you read this blog often, you'll know why this bangs my gong. Because I like men who are probably gay sniffing a woman's hair, I guess.

4. He's one of the greatest comedy characters to ever be on television. No really, he is. He's all the things that Frasier isn't, and all the ridiculous lengths Frasier won't go to. His comic timing is impeccable, he's sharp and dry and has an imaginary wife for most of the series. He utters the immortal line "You got to pick where you would be having your sleepings", and forever after I've called falling asleep as doing sleepings. Few characters come close to Niles Crane in terms of comedic flawlessness- maybe Blackadder. Possibly Bender. Could be that Rimmer makes it.

But the problem with Rimmer and Blackadder and Bender?

They're not Niles Crane.

Things I Have Looked At With My Eyeballs, Recently

Gentlemen Broncos: You know what's wrong with Gentlemen Broncos? Well, apart from the fact that it doesn't have enough Sam Rockwell. But then, most movies don't have enough Sam Rockwell, so maybe we'll just set that aside. For another time, like Sam Rockwell Appreciation Day. When we'll all get together and demand that Sam Rockwell be digitally edited into every movie ever, like that 30 Rock episode with Seinfeld only instead of Seinfeld Vision it'll be Rockwell Vision, and I'll get to see his butt (YES!) bobbing between Kim Basinger's legs forever, instead of Mickey Rourke's butt (ugh).

I'll even rename the movie. Nine and a Half Sam Rockwells. And we all know what I'm referring to, when I talk about the nine and a half. Right?

But I digress. About Sam Rockwell. When I should be talking about what's wrong with Gentlemen Broncos, which is namely this: the central conflict does not occur until about five hundred years into the film.

It's a film about an author stealing a kid's novel, but this event and its repercussions don't happen until I'm too bored and kind of angry to care. Because I mean, if most authors I know get pulled up on this sort of stuff - even the famous ones - why on earth did Jared Hess get away with it? Didn't some person from a screenwriting class he clearly didn't attend think to say: hey. Your trigger event is triggering after most of the movie has occurred. The rest of it is just boring waffly filler. It's not even funny!

Apart from when Sam Rockwell's being a space transvestite. Then it's funny. And orsum. But that's purely by virtue of Sam Godwell's presence.

Gah, the whole thing just made me actually believe I could have written it better. I'd have pulled the conflict forward, had them fighting for the rest of the film, then used the flashes of his novel to mirror the events going on in reality more closely. Or at least in a way that makes the whole thing moving or funny or just fookin's something, God.

As Napolean Dynamite would say. In his far superior film. What went wrong, Jared?

The Horde: Ugh, I'm bored. You're boring me, The Horde. How do you make a film about French gangsters being attacked by fast running zombies with super human strength boring? I don't know, but The Horde managed it. I fell asleep in the middle, and did not have terrible nightmares about the zombie apocalypse and Murdock rescuing me in his helicopter. That's how bad the Horde was.

The Office: The Office makes my life. That's all I have to say about that. No seriously, it does. It's a sad fact to admit, but I think there are moments in The Office that have made me more purely happy than most of the stuff in my actual life has. When Michael said he didn't make up what him and Holly had, I burst with this joy. So much love in me, for The Office.

Frasier: I have been re-watching every season, because I'm burnt out and just want to lie in my bed and have a sitcom wash over me like the tide. And Frasier fulfils this task nicely. Also, while I watch it I get to ogle Niles who is totally hot shut up he is God that deadpan stare, that mouth, his prissiness...I want him to wipe me down, the way he wipes down chairs. I want him to press my trousers when they have a single wrinkle in them, though I will be in the trousers as he does the pressing. I want him to sniff my hair and take me to the opera and talk to me about the antique footstool he just bought oh God...oh God why are my crushes so weird? And always obviously gay?

I can't write convincing erotic romance about men who are obviously gay falling for women.

Stupid Frasier.

Mancandy Thursday: Beards

No, not the kind that hangs off Bradley Cooper's arm. And by that, I don't mean he has an actual rug of hair on his elbow. You know what I mean. Or maybe you don't because like me, weird extended rumours about celebrities and their hidden sexual activities kind of disturb you. I mean, you might be gay, Bradley Cooper. But somehow, I don't think you hook up with guys you found on Craigslist through a hole you cut in a bedsheet.

Sidenote: I hate Blind Items. They're the journalistic equivalent of the bitchy girls in high school, talking just loudly enough so you know they're talking about you, about something you've never done, or maybe you did do but it's nobody's business, or you're not ready to talk about it, or God, just shut up bitchy girls.

But I digress. About Blind Items. That are apparently now starting to leak into real reporting about some celebs, as though it's all just a given now. Jake Gyllenhaal apparently has a secret baby with a man, and I didn't find that out by reading a Blind Item. In fact, I don't find any of these things out by reading the actual Blind Items, wherever they are or come from. They're just everywhere now, like cockroaches. Ugh.

On to something nice! Like my sudden fetish for men who can grow lush, full beards. I mean, just check it out:

Now, this is just a micro beard. But the thing about Paddy Considine is- I know he can grow a full...uh...bush. And so I appreciate this little starter plan, because it holds the promise of lushness. Soon I'll be able to run my hands through his glorious chin garden. Soon.

Yep. That's Bradley Cooper with a beard. An actual beard. Not Rene Zellweger hanging off his chin.

And here's Jake Gyllenhaal with a beard! I bet he hides his secret baby in there. It has to be for some purpose, because I don't actually like this beard all that much. True, it's full. Sure, it's lush. But it's also a funny colour, and I have to say- I prefer a dark beard.

Like this one. Here. Here is the Lord of All Beards. I mean, did you ever see a more beautiful beard, than that one? It makes this guy - Joshua Gomez - look like Paddy Considine, but strangely, his beard is actually superior to Paddy's full bush.

Just look at it. So textured, so rich with unspoken treasures. And this beard, I feel, has a dual meaning, because Josh Gomez is only five foot seven. He's a very slight, unassuming sort of fella. He plays the sidekick, on Chuck. He's nothing, really.

ONLY HE CAN GROW A BEARD LIKE THAT.

Man, that hits my kink buttons. Nothing better than a secret vein of raging testosterone, beneath the calm surface. And hairiness - especially hot, hairy beards - always signifies this. Always.

I want to dance in the garden of your beard, Josh Gomez.

Stuff and Giveaways

Okay, so a while back I did a giveaway of Threefold and The Horizon. But no-one claimed their prizes! However, it has since occurred to me that people didn't see me announcing the winners, back there in the comments, so I thought I'd try again!

The winners were:

Jo and Kate Pearce! If you're out there, ladies, come and snaffle your prizes!

But all you millions of lovely people who are now undoubtedly stuffed full of misery at thought of not winning, never fear! Because here's the other thing I'm posting about:

http://celise91writer.blogspot.com/2010/10/rally-to-support-beta-male.html

Elise Hepner's rally for the beta male, featuring a massive giveaway of all the things I've ever written! Hoorah! Just visit her here and comment, and you too could be the winner of a prize that you might not know you've won!

Oh and finally, I also wanted to faint slightly over the review I got, in the JERR newsletter. Yep, they reviewed Past Pleasures. But even more miraculously than that: they liked it!

"Title: Past Pleasures: Desire Through Time 1
Author: Charlotte Stein
Publisher: Total E Bound
Reviewer: Tallyn Porter
Rating: 4 Stars
Heat Level: S

Kate Connor is a writer hired by Professor Charles Waites of Visiotech to be the guinea pig of sorts for his time machine invention. Hired to record what future Earth is like seems like something out of a Hollywood movie. But when Kate ends up in the year 3033 in the living quarters of Aley and Tem, does Kate crave to discover what this future holds especially when she finds out that women have become extinct?

Past Pleasures is a carefully crafted romantic science fiction story about finding love in the distant future. Kate is an intelligent, caring and humorous character who is the right person to be teleported to the future. Her outlook of 3033 is quite comical and laced with a sarcastic undertone which at times had me chuckling at how she perceives this pristine 1984 kind of future.

Aley and Tem have this innocent quality about them that you can’t help but be attracted to their honest and easy going personas. Aley has this direct approach to everything new while Tem is the more soft spoken character yet both are quite memorable and charming. The extinction of women in the future does give this story an interesting twist and Ms. Stein could have taken this story beyond the limits with this idea but I’m quite relieved that she focused mainly on Kate, Aley and Tem’s relationship.

I found the love scenes quite interesting as Aley and Tem had to rediscover how to be with a woman. The way they both took care of Kate as if she was a fragile piece of glass with such tenderness and passion, I just have to sigh. The complexity of Aley and Tem’s relationship was lacking something but adding Kate to their relationship definitely added spice to their lives. The sterile ambience of this futuristic story definitely provided such a lonely and desolate environment making Kate, Aley and Tem’s relationship elevate into something more like breaking all the time barriers.

I found Past Pleasures enjoyable and I look forward to reading future stories from this author."

Thank you, Tallyn!

In fact, I've had quite a bit of good feedback, for my little future-where-there's-no-women-and-then-a-woman-turns-up menage bonkathon. Behold!

http://naughtyauthorchicks.blogspot.com/2010/09/alpha-male-vs-beta-male.html?zx=818613d7b7488b23

http://theblackravensreviews.blogspot.com/2010/09/author-review-past-pleasures-by.html

Inorite? Miraculous! Just when you think you're never going to make it as an erotic romance writer and no-one will ever read your work and people might even start actively burning your books, for their crimes against literature...this happens.

The relief, she is palpable.

Mancandy Monday: Daniel Dreiberg

There are three ways in which Daniel Dreiberg is actually probably my ideal man.

1) He is the most totally beta that ever beta-ed. He's so beta, he's practically omega. He's so beta, that v-necked jumpers and tank tops aren't enough for him. He has to wear an actual honest-to-God cardigan.

I swear, it's a cardigan! Look at him here, in the movie version of Watchmen:

That's a cardigan. And it's, like, olive.

Plus, check out his hair! The massive glasses! The worried look on his anxious face! Be still, my aching woman-parts.

2) He's secretly a super hero. Yeah. You heard that right. So while everyone's busy laughing (except for me) at how much of a beta he is, and maybe plotting to steal his lunch money, and possibly talking about how much tougher that nerd Clark Kent is than him, what's Daniel Dreiberg doing?

That's right, bitches. He's saving people from actual riots. He's braving burning buildings, being his secret badass Nite Owl self. He's only fookin' flying around in the goddamned owl ship he built with his own two beta geek hands.

And did he need to advertise that fact? No, he did not. Does he make you feel like a whimpering, simpering idiot, because he just saved your life? Of course he doesn't.

Because the whole time he's Nite Owl, he's also Dan Dreiberg. Who is all the many things I love about beta men: kind, considerate, intelligent, funny, humble, and a roaring repressed animal in bed.

3) But wait. Wait for the kicker. THIS is the man playing Daniel Dreiberg.

Yeah, I can't hear those mean girls laughing now, Dan. The jocks have all fallen silent. Because THIS is what you look like, underneath.

But I want you to know, Dan, that I don't care. Wear those glasses forever. Have that weird receding hairline until the end of time. You go on, rocking that olive cardigan. I don't mind if you never look like Patrick Wilson. I don't mind if you're not in your Nite Owl rubber.

It's you who makes me hot, Dan. Just you. I want to have lots of butt-thrusting sex with you to the song Hallelujah, and comfort you when you're feeling impotent, and beat up bad guys in alleys with you.

That Laurie Jupiter is soooo lucky.

Authors Behaving Badly

Here's a sample of some responses you should never give to a bad review:

"Dear Mr Reviewer, I'm sooooo glaaaaaaaad you hated my book. And your review was just great! In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. You STINK. You are a senile, buck-toothed old mummy with bony girl arms, and you smell like an elephant's butt! Not sincerely, BB Author."*

But the one above? Yeah, it's obviously a terrible response to a reviewer. Absolutely terrible! I mean, the author has called the reviewer an elephant's butt! You can't get much worse than that. Even the silliest of authors would know that's a bad, bad response. Of course, some do it anyway. But more frequently you see this one, because it's a little more sly. As you're writing it, you could almost convince yourself that really, you're being super nice and decent:

"Dear Mr Reviewer, well, you know it's strange. Everyone else liked my book. In fact, all the other people who liked my book are extremely intelligent, well read and all round wonderful people. How odd, that you didn't like it. I mean, I know that there are many, many twists and turns and highly intellectual moments in my book- it takes a lot of really insightful reading. So I suppose I guessed that there would be some who wouldn't get it. But thanks for giving your little review of it, anyway. With slick and slightly queasy sincereity, BB Author."

But believe me, you're not being super nice and decent. We ALL know what you're doing, and almost all of us don't like it. As a reader, the above makes me mad. As an author, the above makes me cringe.

And then there's this one. The one that my hero and future husband, Christopher Pike, did only a few short days ago:

"Dear Reviewer, well yeah, I know that so and so isn't the capital of where-is-it. But actually, it was all my editors fault. Yeah. My fake, sockpuppet editor, who I'm pretending to be now. Plus, you're an idiot. And I think you're threatening me and that you know nothing about country X, even though you're from said country. Sincerely, An Author Who Writes Good Reviews For Themselves Under Said Same Sockpuppet."

As in THIS, pointed out by Dear Author and the Smart Bitches, amongst others:

http://www.journalfen.net/community/unfunny_fandom/700.html?thread=41916

I could have cried. I mean, the above is my true reason for writing this post. After all, I can take it when some writer I don't really know all that well does it. I can understand, in particular, when it's someone "small", because...well. We all feel on edge, sometimes. I got an absolutely terrible, mortifying, feeling-like-my-career-is-over review the other day, and it means double to me because I'm just starting out. A bad review could mean the difference between making sales and not, for me. I know many authors who are in that same position with me, and when they strike out at a bad review I can sympathise, even as I'm cringing and begging them, mentally, to resist and see the positives of a bad review. At least it means someone read it!

But Christopher Pike? You've sold millions of books, Chris. You are established. One review will not hurt you. And you don't need to give good reviews to yourself, either, because you KNOW people love you! You don't need to prompt people to buy, for God's sake. And if I, and many of my author pals, can resist giving ourselves good reviews (I'm not even sure, to be honest, how Chris managed to write those things about his own work without puking), and resist slamming bad reviews or even just readers who have EVERY DAMNED RIGHT TO VOICE THEIR OPINION, then so can you.

Otherwise, I may not one day marry you. And you don't want that, do you? No. Didn't think so.



*My thanks to The Simpsons, for the greatest non-thankyou letter of all time.