Mancandy Thursday: Beards

No, not the kind that hangs off Bradley Cooper's arm. And by that, I don't mean he has an actual rug of hair on his elbow. You know what I mean. Or maybe you don't because like me, weird extended rumours about celebrities and their hidden sexual activities kind of disturb you. I mean, you might be gay, Bradley Cooper. But somehow, I don't think you hook up with guys you found on Craigslist through a hole you cut in a bedsheet.

Sidenote: I hate Blind Items. They're the journalistic equivalent of the bitchy girls in high school, talking just loudly enough so you know they're talking about you, about something you've never done, or maybe you did do but it's nobody's business, or you're not ready to talk about it, or God, just shut up bitchy girls.

But I digress. About Blind Items. That are apparently now starting to leak into real reporting about some celebs, as though it's all just a given now. Jake Gyllenhaal apparently has a secret baby with a man, and I didn't find that out by reading a Blind Item. In fact, I don't find any of these things out by reading the actual Blind Items, wherever they are or come from. They're just everywhere now, like cockroaches. Ugh.

On to something nice! Like my sudden fetish for men who can grow lush, full beards. I mean, just check it out:

Now, this is just a micro beard. But the thing about Paddy Considine is- I know he can grow a full...uh...bush. And so I appreciate this little starter plan, because it holds the promise of lushness. Soon I'll be able to run my hands through his glorious chin garden. Soon.

Yep. That's Bradley Cooper with a beard. An actual beard. Not Rene Zellweger hanging off his chin.

And here's Jake Gyllenhaal with a beard! I bet he hides his secret baby in there. It has to be for some purpose, because I don't actually like this beard all that much. True, it's full. Sure, it's lush. But it's also a funny colour, and I have to say- I prefer a dark beard.

Like this one. Here. Here is the Lord of All Beards. I mean, did you ever see a more beautiful beard, than that one? It makes this guy - Joshua Gomez - look like Paddy Considine, but strangely, his beard is actually superior to Paddy's full bush.

Just look at it. So textured, so rich with unspoken treasures. And this beard, I feel, has a dual meaning, because Josh Gomez is only five foot seven. He's a very slight, unassuming sort of fella. He plays the sidekick, on Chuck. He's nothing, really.

ONLY HE CAN GROW A BEARD LIKE THAT.

Man, that hits my kink buttons. Nothing better than a secret vein of raging testosterone, beneath the calm surface. And hairiness - especially hot, hairy beards - always signifies this. Always.

I want to dance in the garden of your beard, Josh Gomez.