Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Mancandy Monday: Hot Zombies

Welcome, welcome. It's zombie week here at chez Stein, due to the fact that my orsum zombie novel is out on Wednesday! Hurrah! So in celebration of this fact, I thought I'd create a little infomercial for you. A guide, if you will, on how to survive the zombie apocalypse. Which as the movies have told us repeatedly, is definitely on its way.

In fact, the movies themselves often give splendid advice on what to do, should you find yourself being chased by the various types of zombies. Such as:

Type A: People who've basically been slathered in grey paint then told to walk as though they're almost pooing themselves. (The original Dawn of the Dead, for example)

Type B: People with red contact lenses who've basically been told to scare the shit out of me forever. (28 Days Later)

Type C: People with funny coloured contact lenses that kind of turn into these withered stick insect looking things, then get you in the dark. (Rec)

In all of the above movies there are plenty of examples of what you can and cannot do to save yourself. If you're being hounded by pooing people slathered in grey paint, there's plenty of time for you to run away. And maybe laugh, while you're doing it. You can build a mall fortress, or possibly shoot a lot of guns at the ravening hordes.

If you live in England and are suddenly beset by running maniacs with red contact lenses, however, you may find yourself fairing slightly less well. For one, England has no guns. But we're also a bit like Game of Thrones only older, so there are bound to be swords lying around for you to grab.

As for the advice on the last type of zombie, which seems to be the result of some sort of demonic possession and ends with you trapped in a pitch black room with something night vision can't quite identify, I'd say the best bet is just to sob and let it eat you.

Or at least, that's the advice I took from Rec. But there are plenty of other zombie movies with better advice, I promise! Zombieland even actually gives you the advice in handy bullet points, which I dutifully noted down in my Big Book of Being Shit Scared of Zombies.

However, there's one point that all of these movies and books have never quite dwelt on. One crucial bit of advice that's missing:

What if the zombie you're facing is a total hottie?

Now I know what you're thinking. Charlotte, zombies can't be hot! And maybe you're also thinking: God, I hope Charlotte's book is not about hot zombies (I swear to God, it's not. It's about totally hot humans going at it menage stylee in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, to counteract all the death and horror they've been through).

But you know me, people. I cannot abide Mancandy wastage, no matter how covered in grey paint it may be. I will not sit idly by and see good manbeef go to waste, even if said manbeef has started losing parts. How on earth would someone like me cope with seeing a perfectly good slice of hunk turn to zombie? How could I raise my machete/Ice from Game of Thrones and thwart this handsome blight on the human race?

Well never fear, gentle reader. I have compiled a handy guide on how to identify and destroy the hot zombie!

First up, we have an easy one for your edification:

The signs you need to look past the hotness for are obvious, here. I mean, rationally our loins will know that this is Aidan Gillen. We can see evidence of his masterful hair, his intense Irishness, his glorious man-stubble. His mouth is still a lush garden of kissability. But you'll probably find yourself resisting the urge to kiss even without my advice, because one of his eyes appears to have popped out of the socket and is rolling around on his face.

Of course, if that's not enough to help you resist the hotness and fight the zombie, there are also the patches of decaying flesh. I have represented these patches by liberally spraying Aidan with the spraycan from MS Paint, because I am shit at drawing. Apologies if this flaw of mine one day winds up getting you all killed by hot zombies.

And now onto the second example of undead beauty:

Although Bradley is trying to pretend he's not a zombie by employing a broad and handsome grin, we can clearly see by the undead eyes that he's already become one of the unclean, diseased, rabid monster creatures. And if the undead eyes from out of the movie Krull were not enough of a clue, the fact that one of his ears is hanging off almost certainly is.

Don't be fooled, people. Reach for that axe, even as your loins demand you snog his undead face off. Maybe literally.

And finally, we get to the hardest test of all: hot zombie Armie Hammer. Because of course Armie is so handsome that zombification barely touches him. It tries to make him turn grey and lose limbs, but a scientific condition I've called "Extreme Cockmastery" keeps him almost whole and normal looking. You find yourself drawn in by his promises of "Unh unh" and his rabid gargling. He's even worn a crafty pair of sunglasses to hide his demonic eyes from your view. Of course the sunglasses are hideous, but that's not the point.

The Armie Hammer level of hot zombie is wily. But if you're careful, and you keep your wits about you, you can clearly see blood running out of his left ear. Blood running out of someone's ear during a zombie apocalypse is almost never a good sign.

And that's the end of my guide. If you enjoyed, and would like to hear more about the zombie apocalypse and also about lusty bonking, please visit here on Wednesday:


I promise you won't regret it.


  1. I love your zombified manflesh loving brain, and I can't wait for your zombie story!!!

  2. Congrats on your new release!!
    28 Days Later gave me nightmares for days and I hardly ever lowered my hands away from my face to actually watch it.

    I'll now strategically place baseball bats and chain saws around the house...

  3. Yay, for your zombie lovefest. Congrats on the release.

  4. Best zombie survival guide ever.

  5. Bronwyn- Thank you, bb!

    Amy- Thank you! And it was exactly the same for me. Tho I made the mistake of actually going to the cinema to see it. For a week I didn't want to take a shower, cos I was sure summat stood on the other side of the shower curtain.

    Madelynne- Thanks, hon!

    Del- You know me. I focus on the *important* things! Hee hee- glad you liked it.

  6. Charlotte, you artistic talents are staggering.


  7. Sommer- Inorite? Just gimme that Turner prize now.