Mancandy Monday: Figure Skater, Evan Lysacek

Yes, you heard that right. He skates around on ice. When he's skating, he also somehow looks like an angry air traffic controller.

Plus:

He seems as dumb as a box of cement. I mean, just look at that picture above. Do you really think he's going to understand how to remove the rest of his shirt? It looks like he doesn't know what a shirt is.

But that's okay, because I have a theory. He's not a dumb at all: he's a robot, from the future. Programmed to relay sports cliches in a strange monotone. Sent to fulfill the every desire of weird ladies who like Big Dumb Tons of Fun fellas. One of which I'm writing about right now, so please don't hold all of this against me. The Lysacek I've made up in my head makes such an excellent foil!

Just look at him here, in this youtube video I ACTUALLY MANAGED TO SORT OF THREE QUARTERS EMBED!!!1!

I mean, you know, like, how awesome was that interview, or whatever? Totally awesome, I tell you what. Oh Evan, you fill my head with such thoughts! I can't wait to see you stand on your own feet in Friday's Dancing With The Stars- a program I previously cared nothing about. But now I do, because I want to feed you appolz.

ETA: Thanks to Janine Ashbless, I am no longer an internet idiot. Look at the properly embedded youtube vid!1!1!!

Mancandy Friday: Ewan McGregor's Penis

Yeah, you heard that right. It's Mancandy Friday! I like to shake things up. Also: I don't think it's Friday anymore. It's Mancandy Imaginary Friday!

So in honour of this made up day, I'm going to have a Mancandy that no-one will actually see, because I'm just imagining that this day still exists. Makes perfect sense, right? What better time to talk about a penis, than when I'm not going to get caught doing it?

Though in one sense, I do want people to catch me. Ewan McGregor's Penis, the actual star of the majority of his films, deserves recognition.

Here it is, in action in the otherwise largely bad Star Wars prequels:

Also check out his Obi-Wan hair. And Obi-Wan's repressed insane lusts, via the medium of him.

And then there's this:

Because this is what I really like about Ewan McGregor, his perfect, amazing, has its own trailer cock aside: the fact that he can one hundred percent convincingly play the ultimate Beta Man, without seeming like a pathetic wimp. In fact, he never seems like anything but a virile, sensuous, lusty sort of fellow.

Probably because of the humongous cock.

Bad Charlotte

So I'm now going to say which two things were the truth, and announce the winner of the lying thing.

But I'm bad, because HOMG OH NOES...drumroll...none of them were actually true! Hee hee hee! You were all just dying to find out, weren't you, and now you find out I've tricked you! What a total bastard I am.

And so, in order:

I would never, ever eat a raw potato- even the smell while peeling them makes me gip.

I've never put Sylar's face on a balloon, though once when I was a kid I bought a Data from Star Trek boxset that was made out of his head, and snogged it.

Disappointing though I know it is, I've never invented a time machine. No really. No HONESTLY. You will not find the plans sandwiched between the pages of my copy of hot erotic time travel story, Dreamers In Time.

As for the idea that this blog wasn't written by me- LOLOLOLOL. I think you all knew (and by that I mean all three of you), given the huge instances of weird craziness, that probably ONLY me could have written it.

Sadly, I've never been headbutted by a giraffe. Though once, a goat ate my skirt.

It was actually Face I fancied first, from the A-Team- ahahahaha trickster Charlotte.

I despise the Law and Order franchise, of course- so much so that I stopped watching even when Scott Cohen was in it.

And as everyone should know, I LOVE it when monkeys grab things. LOVE IT.

As for the well- I wish it too, Janine, but oh it didn't happen. Fook.

And my real name isn't Edna, of course. Because if it had been, I would have kept it as my writing name. Edna Stein sounds awesome.

However, I'm still going to pick a winner. And it has to be Madelynne, because she's the only one who doesn't already have a copy...I think. You have one, right, Janine? But I would have picked Madelynne anyway, because I love her like whoa for thinking I'm actually crazy enough to have a fun time with a Sylar balloon man. You are awesome, Madelynne Ellis.

And thanks, to Janine Ashbless and Bronwyn Green for taking part! Even though I'm a mega bastard.

Lying

Okay, so Bronwyn Green Who Can Orsumly Drive Tractors tagged me for this lying thing: http://bronwyngreenblog.blogspot.com/2010/03/liar-liar-pants-on-fire.html




Which I am going to do. Even though I'm not sure if anyone will guess my lies and my truths. Except for Bertha, who cannot WAIT to find out what I'm lying about.

Basically, I'm going to list some stuff about me (it's supposed to be seven, but I couldn't stop), and you, my imaginary readers, can guess which two of them are totally absolutely true! Yeah!

1. I once ate a raw potato.

2. I put Sylar's face on a balloon, and then a lovely time was had by all.

3. I've invented a time machine, but can never let the plans get out. If the general public could see the future, they'd all stop drinking Diet Coke for fear of what it's going to turn them into. Hint: you will no longer need pants.

4. This blog wasn't written by me.

5. I was once headbutted by a giraffe. And I liked it.

6. My first crush was on Murdock, from the A-Team.

7. My favourite TV show is anything with "Law" and "Order" in the title.

8. Monkeys scare me. Especially when they grab things off of people, and then eat the thing they grabbed.

9. When I was a kid, I fell down a well. But it was okay, though! Turns out it was just a portal to the magical land of Narnia.

10. My real name is Edna. No really it is. Shut up.

And that's my list. I feel it's pretty obvious, which ones are lies and which ones aren't. I mean, some of them are just ludicrous. Seriously- what sort of person would eat a raw potato??

Oh, and if you do guess right, I will totally send you something. Like a copy of Waiting In Vain. Even if you don't want it, you'll be getting it. Soz.

P.S. If you're reading this, Justine, Sefi and I'm totally going to ask Sommer Marsden, Janine Ashbless and Madelynne Ellis, too- I'm tagging you. That means if you'd like to do this making up lies thing for yourselves on your own blogs, you should absolutely go for it! But if not, that's okay. No pressure.

An Amusing Thing

I don't understand this, but I did a big laugh seeing it. A crying laugh.



I think it's the combination of moody Sylar and the suggestion of him thinking the word appolz. Also the fact that he needs the appolz so very, very badly. And by appolz, it of course means "my vagina".

****

ETA: LOL

RARGH! APPOLZ!

If this is the new interwebz craze, Charlotte approves. Or aprroovz.

Mancandy Monday: Lucian, From Underworld

Because HOMG, check out Michael Sheen's leather thighs:

And, you know, the rest of him:

For the record, this is what he usually looks like:

So the fact that he can make himself look like this:

And prance around in a schlocky silly movie about vampires and werewolves? There is so much love in me, for that. I love Michael Sheen for loving big dumb movies, and getting himself all dirty and sweaty and leathery. And for still talking like some clipped boarding school English teacher, while he does all of it.

Also, in Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, he plays a werewolf slave. And all I have to say to that is: at which store can I buy these products you speak of? Werewolves-R-Us? Is there an underground cave I can visit, to procure my very own wolf-toy? Plz 2 b pointing me to it.

Because: Michael Sheen + Lucian + leather + collar and on his knees = aaahhhhh baby, my heart is full of love and it's all for you! So come on down and do what you've got to do! Etc etc.

The Book Boyfriend- It's Bronwyn's Fault

Okay, so Janna of Erotic Romance Reader fame: http://erotromreader.blogspot.com/ tagged Bronwyn Green, of orsum writing Just Right fame: http://www.resplendencepublishing.com/m8_view_item.html?m8:item=169-201-101-441-4
with something called Book Boyfriend. Which is basically this:

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We all have our favorite book boyfriends and now you have the chance to create one just for yourself and your fantasies! How do you play? Fill out the quiz below, post a picture of sexy men and tag five (5) other book addicts to do the same. Don't forget to pop to their blogs and let them know they have been tagged! Once tagged... you have to do the same, grab the button, answer the questions, and keep it rolling! But don't forget the picture of the sexy man! It doesn't have to match your fantasy man, just a little eye candy for the rest of us... heheheee!

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Which totally doesn't sound right up my alley no way uh-uh.

And then her imaginary reader laughed, at Charlotte Stein's complete lack of self-awareness. MWAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAA!
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Yes. My imaginary reader laughs like a cartoon super villain. What of it?
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So anyhoo, here are the fab questions. Which I'm now going to answer.
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1.) Hair style and color:
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Black as the depths of Satan's armpit. That's how I like it. Preferably side parted, but I'm open to: slicked back almost-pompadour, with optional "looks like the leaning tower of pisa after he's been laid on a pillow all night".

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Examples:

I'm so over the whole sticking out forward thing, ala this:

2.) Eye color and facial features:

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Any colour eyes, really. Blue, green, black, hazel, grey. As long as they pluck at my groin's lust-strings like a master banjo player, plucking at his...uh...banjo.

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As for facial features- stubble is hell in reality, but damn it looks so good. It gives you that good good feeling, that a man is going to be masculine and hairy everywhere. And sometimes, when it has that gunmetal look to it- unf.
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And I like big noses. Big weird noses. And lots of eyebrow. Basically a face that looks like it has features too big for it.
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3.) Height and body type:

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I hate to be a cliche, but the taller the better, really. I occasionally like a little pocket rocket like Sam Rockwell, but generally lean towards 6"0 and above. Biggest I ever fancied? 6"7.
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However, I'm really not into those massive man mountain alpha male aliens from the planet CockBeef type of dude that's popular in many erotic romances. I prefer ropey, sinewy swimmer's bodies, or a body that says: I've had a tough life in some godawful future war. Like Kyle Reese.
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4.) Visible age:
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At the moment, I'm leaning towards 30-35. But I've fancied anything up to 70. Et voila:

Dudes below 25 need not apply.

5.) Bangability - i.e. kinky/bi/size:

Bisexual is absolutely okey-dokey by me. More than okey-dokey. As can be seen by my choices in probably a bit AC/DC if not out and out gay dudes: Lee Pace, Zachary Quinto, David Hyde Pierce, Kevin Spacey.

And although it's wildly unpopular, I like my guys to kink towards submissive. Not chained in a cage and crying submissive, but I do love a big masculine hairy guy giving in to the desires and demands of a strong heroine. I like my book fellas to be unable to control themselves, baffled by their own desires, and in need of a bit of taking in hand.

And it's a cliche, again, but yeah. I like a big donkey dick. Especially if the guy is quite meek and unassuming. Soz.

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6.) Human or other:

Anything goes, for me. Humans, vampires, inccubi, werewolves, fairies, turnips, gargoyles, elves, giants, hedgehogs, demons...bring it on.

7.) Paranormal skills:

The ability to make a girl come with a wave of his magic wand. Yeah. That would be orsum. Also: mind reading! Fook me, can you imagine that?? He'd have a direct feed to every one of your desires, private fantasies, need for his hip to be a little to the left...

Unf.

8.) Interests:

Books. Reading. My book boyfriend has to read. And preferably erotica, too. Unf. I also like it if he has an interest in one or more of the following: tank tops, zombies, making small clockwork toys, yoga, helicopter flying, mental asylums.

My book boyfriend is really unrealistic.

9.) Habitat:

A cabin, in the woods. Evol may or may not lurk there.

10.) Special skills:

The ability to overcome his sexual repression and sex all over me. Also- can make a fantastic seafood lasagne, and fly me out of a zombie apocalypse.

Seriously. For realz now. I had another dream last night about the zombies breaking into my house. Where are you, book boyfriend, in your helicopter??

Putting that insanity aside, I'm going to tag (or probably just ask, because I'm not sure about tagging. I think I can do it. I'll try and do it):

Justine Elyot http://smutoliloquy.blogspot.com/?zx=87c3c281b6d8242

Serafina Pekkala http://umbrellasofsefibourg.blogspot.com/

And I'm only tagging two because everyone else I know I'm either a) afraid of because they're so famous b) not sure if I'm enough of their friend for me to do this without them wondering what that weirdo wants.

But if anyone else does want to do it, please say so! I will happily (try to) tag you!