Mancandy Wednesday: Armie Hammer

First of all, check out that name. I mean, seriously. Who has a name like that? Outside gay porn? It sounds like he wants to hammer you with his armie. His armie is probably ten feet long and three feet wide, and he has to loop it like a length of elastic to fit it into his pants.

And you can tell this because of my magical theory of penis ratios. Don't laugh. The theory is completely solid. It has algebra and things like that, see:

ld + om - a = gsc

Where "ld" is laidback dude and "om" is overall massiveness and "a" is aggression, then gsc is obviously "giant swinging cock". It's a proven scientific fact. The angrier a guy is and the more out to prove himself he seems, the less likely it is that he has a big one.

And Armie Hammer seems so calm and still he's practically a statue. He's like James Spader - all melting molten metal voice and those eyes, full of some kind of strange unguessable inner life - only absolutely massive and blonde and massive and oh Jesus. Jesus. How have I not noticed this person before? How can it be that I've missed a more attractive version of James Spader??

Because he totally is. His mouth is both plumper and meaner, all at the same time. His eyes are like great glassy worlds, assessing you with their planetary-ness. He has huge broad shoulders and hands that could probably crush James Spader's head, and when he talks my loins freeze and crack like that bit at the end of Alien 3 when the burning liquid steel gets poured on the xenomorph. My loins are a cracking, boiling xenomorph. Armie's voice is liquid steel.

So how have I not known of this incredible creature before right now?

Oh yeah. Because he's TWENTY-FOUR.

And yes, I know he doesn't exactly look twenty-four. He's got a hairy chest and he's six foot five and he's got those ancient universe James Spader eyes that age him by at least five years. Or so I tell myself. In the dead of night while hugging myself and crying.

But even so he's younger than any guy I've ever crushed on. He's younger than guys I crushed on when I was twenty-four. When I was that age I crushed on guys in their thirties, guys in their fifties, guys in their seventies, for fuck's sake. I never crushed on guys who couldn't legally rent a car. I never liked boyband dudes or non-threatening boys called Corey.

I liked men, and have always liked men, and am very disturbed by this development. It probably means I'm turning into a cougar or something like that, but Jesus Christ can you blame me?

Look at him:

No really, look:

Lord I want to climb inside his pants with my face. I want to re-enact every James Spader film with him a million times, but most especially Wolf and White Palace and yeah okay probably Crash, too. We can get mangled together in a car and then do weird things to each other's leg braces. We can look all haughty and indifferent and desensitised by the modern age, before having weird anal sex in a melted airplane. Or something.

Either way, I'm damned grateful for Armie Hammer. When God closes a door, he opens a giant, James Spader shaped window.