My New Top Five

So there has been a lot of upheaval in my life, over the last few years. A lot of changes, many things going on. Bad things happening, good things happening, etc. But amongst these changes, none is more important that the complete re-ordering of my top five men I'm allowed to sleep with if I magically dared to actually meet any of them (which I wouldn't) and they magically went insane.

Yes, I'm talking about my laminated top five. Hubby has argued that I should not be allowed to create a new laminate and throw away the old one, but as I pointed out to him the old one had Vin Diesel on it so shut up.

So here is my new one. No take backs. No swapsie-changies. My top five hot dudes:

1. Sharlto Copley

This one is fairly obvious, I feel. I crushed on him for so long that the hubster started calling him "Husband Number Two". As you may now be aware, my hubby is extremely understanding and also, Sharlto Copley is very, very, very hot. And I find him so for various reasons, chief amongst them being that he has played one of my favourite TV characters of all time - Murdock - he's handsome without being overbearing about it, he's wiry and interesting and always has this insane light in his eyes, and his real accent is sexy in a way I can't even fathom. I long to write my sci-fi epic starring him, but fear that no-one will ever want it ever. Sara Megibow expressed an interest in my query for it, but then saw it and quite possibly ran away screaming. I do not blame her for this; she was very kind. It is just that mad.

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2. Zachary Quinto

Again, pretty obvious. Like all my enduring man-crushes, Mr Quinto just has that flexibility in my head. He can be steely and dark, ala Sylar. But more importantly, he can be submissive with a core of steel, ala Gabriel Gray. Plus, he seems as horny as fuck, which is always welcome. Of all my top five, Quinto gives the best head-sex.

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3. Ryan Reynolds

I debated whether or not to keep Ryan in, but ya know, he's been around a long time, now- ever since Two Guys and a Girl. He's my glory of the eighties. My good go-to friends to lovers guy. I can't leave him now, just as he's all superhero mega star. That would just seem like being shallow in reverse. Which is probably a good thing when I really think about it but I don't care. Still love ya, Ryan!

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4. Nick Lea

And the longest holder of the esteemed title of "On Charlotte Stein's Fuck List"? Mr Nick Lea ladies and gentlemen, give him a round of applause. Yep, Nick Lea has been on my list ever since I first fell for Alex Krycek a hundred years ago, and he's held on by virtue of never aging and continuing to be in stuff that makes him sexy, like that ridonkulous made for TV movie Deadly Isolation. I swear to God, I built a new obsession around him just based on that dumbass movie. But seriously, check out the plot:

Grieving over the death of her "perfect" husband Ron, Susan Mandaway (Sherilyn Fenn) exiles herself to the couple's summer home in Maine. Her self-imposed solitude is interrupted by the arrival of an affable (editor's note: this is a euphemism for "so hot he chokes my vagina") fellow who introduces himself as Jeff Watkins (Nicholas Lea), and who claims to be an old college chum of Ron. Only too late does Susan discover that "Jeff" is an escaped convict, who in concert with his partner is after the $10 million in diamonds that he helped Ron steal.

I mean, what? What? Was that plot made for an erotic romance, or am I crazy? I just wanted Sherilyn Fenn to go to town on his ass all the way through, and whenever I watch it to the end I'm like noooooo don't kill him! You're supposed to have a HEA! Just take out that bit where he snaps someone's neck and this romance is GOLD.

5. Alternate

Look, right. My hubby is not that hard done by. He fancies Kesha, for God's sake, and she looks so much like John Travolta that it actually frightens me that he fancies her. See:

Lord knows I've tried to steer him towards Mila Kunis or Kelly Brook, but oh no no. He has to fancy a person who seems to have no soul, literally. All she sings about is getting drunk! Doesn't she care about anything else?

But I digress. About Kesha. When what I really wanted to say was: yes, I'm allowed an alternate. I know it breaks the rules and clearly means that I'm just allowed to sleep with anyone, but as I'd never actually really sleep with anyone else because hubby is orsum even tho he fancies John Travolta's uglier brother, I think I'm allowed.

So my alternate at the moment is, of course, Armie Hammer. Which is really just an excuse for me to put up various pictures of different parts of him, most of them rude.

Look, a nipple!

His giant hand!

It's not rude, but I know you're imagining it doing rude things right now don't lie. I mean, he's about three inches away from titty, there. And even if you had mega titty, you know that hand could just swallow it right up like the shark eating Quint at the end of Jaws.

His face!

My God, how I want to have sex with it!

And here endeth this completely weird and uninteresting to anyone but me and Bertha post.