If you see this total slut, please do not approach. He is armed and dangerous, mainly with immense suspicious packages in his underpants. I repeat: his underwear is armed and dangerous.
He is wanted for crimes against my sense and good reason, which usually tell me that I don't like blonde, smug looking men who are probably real assholes. So you can see why we here at the Bureau For Stopping Inexplicable Arousal are extremely concerned.
Signs that you have been tricked into man-fancying mode by this horrid, evol romcom starring creature:
You find yourself staring into his dreamy electric blue eyes, instead of wondering why he's lasering you with his weird alien eyeballs.
You experience weakening in the groinal area, whenever he titty-grabs some woman in some film. I swear to God, it's his customary move. He does exactly the same thing in every sex scene he's in. Though to his credit, it's more like he just loves feeling boobies than oh for fuck's sake, honey, do you have to do the same thing every time?
And when he groans really really loudly in said same sex scenes, you whimper.
Yeah, I whimpered. All right? Happy now? You can see why this dangerous criminal must be apprehended, now, can't you.
Call 1-800-tittygrab if you have any information as to Bradley Cooper's whereabouts, in anybody's imagination.