Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Mancandy Monday: Fat Jesus

Or as he more typically goes by, "Zach Galifianakis". Though to be honest, I'm suspicious of his so called real name. It's why I've put it in quotation marks, because I'm not sure I believe it. I think his name actually is Fat Jesus, as the movie The Hangover openly acknowledges when that dude goes "not you fat Jesus".

I mean, let's just assess the facts, shall we?

1. He has a beard. Jesus had a beard. In all honesty, I'm not even sure if Jesus had a beard as magnificent as Zach's, because in all of the probably non-accurate portraits of him his beard looks decidedly pointed and slender. Whereas Zach's beard is full and lush, like a great blossoming mushroom on the bottom portion of his head. As though the bottom portion of his head is warm and moist, and a new species of fungi simply had to nestle there, pulsing and growing and providing sustenance to my aching soul. My soul aches for your beard, Zach Galifianakis. It aches.

2. Jesus was really well known for playing the flute like this, while dancing with his feet pointed outward in a pink jumpsuit.


I'm pretty sure. I mean, don't quote me, or anything. "Exodus 47:92 and lo Jesus didst playeth thine flute with his toes doth pointed". But yeah. I have a strong feeling about the total truthiness of this one.

3. I'll confess, I'm out of similarities by this point. I mean, Jesus was a really cool and nice guy, and I suspect Zach is also a cool and nice guy. But no-one has written a book that could at least be partially true about Zach and how he healed the lepers that one time. So you know. Jury's still out.

However, I would like to stress that whether he is similar to Jesus or not, Zach Galifianakis remains sexy. It's the furry eyebrows, hovering over his weird burning animal eyes- as though THIS is what a real werewolf would look like, should it actually exist. Yeah- we're all there, clicker clacking at our keyboards, sure that we've got it right with our seven foot tall werewolf hunks from the planet Manboob, but in reality we all know real werewolves would look like Zach.

Short and stout and furry looking, with lots of room inside for wolf bits to grow.

But I like all of his room inside! I like his little round tummy, so soft and inviting. I like tight t-shirts pulled over it like this:

Because why should he hide? Why should he hide his glorious real werewolf shape, as though it's something to be ashamed of? I often wish slightly plump to massively fat women didn't have to hide all their bits and pieces, beneath voluminous tent-like contraptions.

Zach never wears a tent-like contraption, and I love him for it. He's my little fat Jesus, and I want to bury my boobs in his beard.


  1. LOL I went around for weeks going "Not you Fat Jesus" to anyone who would listen.

    I would definitely go out for a drink with him, but would leave earlier in the night. I'm not sure I could survive an entire night of partying with him.

  2. I LOVE him! DH doesn't think he's a good actor and that he only plays one part, but I just don't care, he's awesome. And, I totally get the inner light in his eyes thing--like when he gets all serious in Due Date. He was great in Due Date. Mmmm,RDJ.....

  3. Sasha- best line in the movie, seriously. And yeah- not sure I could handle being mauled by a tiger!

    Elise- He totally doesn't! He was all serious in Tru Calling, and other stuff. He does have range, it's just he's playing a lot of this intense comic character at the moment.

    Jo- Thanks! mwah

  4. Thank you for making me almost spill my coffee this morning ;)

  5. Testing: I got your email, did you get one back??