Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Another Mancandy Christmas!

Yep, it's that time of year again. A time of eating beetroot and ham together until your poop turns a funny colour. A time of watching so many sitcoms on the telly you start wondering why the funny things people say don't have a laugh track. A time of obsessively playing your DS until one hand goes weird and you genuinely fear that you've somehow induced temporary paralysis.

But more than all of those things, it's also a time for giving. So for the two people who are still reading this blog, here are my gifts to you. Complete with badly drawn MS paint stockings:

Yeah, I don't know why his head's like that, either. He's perfectly acceptable in the flesh, I swear! Please don't try to exchange him at Marks and Spencers for a better model, with a non-pointy hairdo.

You know why he's smiling like that? Because he's popping out of a stocking, hooray! It's absolutely not because he's diddling himself just below the edge of that weirdly misshapen sock. I mean, seriously? Where would you put your toes in a sock like that? You'd have to have fookin' Barbie feet to manage those things. Yet oddly, you'd also need ankles the size of two Christmas hams.

Also: I have no idea why these men's legs are so small in general. Hopefully it's just because those socks are really sweaty, and their lower bits shrivelled up like fingers in a bathtub.

They'll pop right back into shape no problems, I swear.

I don't know why Fassbender looks so pensive while inside his sock, here. He's the one I thought I'd do a rude joke with - you know, like, having a penis peep over the edge of the stocking top or summat. I dunno. Maybe he's just disappointed that his is the most normal sock. He wanted to shove his Barbie feet into that one of Ryan Gosling's, then get an Oscar nom next year for his work in the masterpiece "My Feet Are Really Little".

It's his knee, all right? His knee. Don't look at me like that. I'd never give away peeping penises for Christmas!

Except I totally would, of course.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

HOMG Has It Been This Long?

I'm so sorry, blog. I've neglected you for days and days - months even! I don't even know what's been happening. I can't imagine what's kept me away from your loving arms for such an outrageous period of time. Apart from, you know. THE ONE HUNDRED AND TWO THOUSAND WORDS I WROTE IN NOVEMBER.

Yeah. You heard that right. Apparently I turned into a maniac for about a month. I turned into so much of a maniac that I actually did things like wonder why I was so drained and miserable so much of the time, and couldn't understand how I spent days and days wearing only a big orange dress and not washing my hair. One time I woke up half-naked on the couch, covered in cardigans, because I had mysteriously passed out and in an effort to shield my nudity from passer-bys, Husband had buried me beneath Marks and Spencers' winter collection.

But now I realise why all of these things happened, because I counted how much I wrote. And then wondered how I even managed to put on the big orange dress and not expose myself to the general public on a daily basis. I'm not even sure how I didn't faint from exhaustion, because here are the things wot I did:

1. 20k novella for Xcite. Written, edited, submitted and copy-edited.

2. 50k of novel for super sekrit speshul thing.

3. 20k of novel cut and rewritten.

4. 2 shorts written and edited and subbed. 10k.

5. 2k of novellas for Ellora's Cave.

6. Revisions on Ellora's Cave novella

7. Oh, and about 10k of blog posts written for places that aren't here. Please don't beat me up, blog. I'm already pretty battered. I think I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown because yesterday I cried over an episode of Friends. I cried because my work email wouldn't let me in, even though no one ever sends me emails cos I only work there one night a week. I cried because I found Spogs at a sweetie shop, and I cried when my novel wouldn't go right. I'm probably going to cry right after I've finished writing this, because I've got about 10k left of my novel and I know it's not going to go right either.

I'm so scared, blog, hold me!

Though in better news, I did get two beautiful new covers for my upcoming EC books. They're on the sidebar, if you want to have a look!

And I also got some pretty amazing reviews:


Yep, you read that right. Three top picks from Night Owl, an absolutely beautiful and intelligent and lovely review from the brilliant Amber Skye, an actual review from Book Binge - my first ever! - and a review from the mighty Jan Oda which made me feel all nervous and fluttery cos it's kind of like someone that important and ace at reviews sort of...I dunno. Knows about me and pays attention to my books. The review isn't completely positive, but those comments about my books being her erotica indulgence...

That kind of thing blows me away.

So there you have it. That was November. I've still got a deadline on December 15th coming up, and after that I have to start this merry-go-round all over again. New deadline for January 31st...
Think it's time I got myself a new big writing dress. Maybe I'll go with green, this time!