Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Mancandy Tuesday: Robots

As you may or may not be aware, I am currently obsessed with the soon to be released movie, Prometheus. Now - the reason for this is, of course, that it's a new Alien movie. No matter what Ridley Scott waffles on about, it clearly is. And the Alien movies influenced my young and tender self so much that I frequently put on the landing light, in case a xenomorph has somehow traversed the laws of reality and wound up unaccountably on my stairs.

Even though my stairs are the very last place it would probably go, if it was monstrously birthed through a split in our universe. I mean, I know where I would go if I'd just managed to escape a Ridley Scott movie. I'd go find Michael Fassbender, and most likely hug his face a lot. With my vagina.

But that's all beside the point. The point being: I adore the Alien movies. But there's another reason why I'm excited about Prometheus.

I'm excited because it has an android in it. And for the first time since Aliens, it's actually a sexy android again. Glory be, I get to fantasise about another sexy android in a new Alien movie! It's like all my birthdays have come at once. In fact, it's kind of better than that, because the android isn't just sexy in this.

He's also played by Michael Fassbender:

Who typically looks like this:

At which point, I have to wonder if Ridley Scott finagled his way into my noggin and read my private sex thoughts. Did that tear in reality monstrously birth him, instead of a xenomorph? It seems just as likely that a slimy and naked Ridley Scott crawled up my stairs, snuck into my bedroom and read my horny fantasy filled diary, as it does that he just happened to think Michael Fassbender would be right for the part of an orsum android.

He could have easily cast Russel Crowe. Dear God, can you imagine? Russel Crowe in one of those skintight spacesuits, that immense gut rippling beneath the lycra, his great flaccid flabby undercooked face mooning out at us from beneath the glare of those space lights...

The thought alone is enough to make me turn on every lamp in the house, just in case the universe decides to birth him, instead. Picture it: a mewling, naked, slime-covered Russel Crowe, hauling himself up the stairs after you...

I may never sleep again.

Unless Michael Fassbender as AN ACTUAL ORSUM ROBOT is there to save me.

Because you see I've always liked robots. Always. It started with Bishop, in Aliens, who stirred my young loins in spite of being played by Lance Henriksen, who was once in a soft porn movie starring Joan Severance. And it progressed from there to Data from Next Generation, who lived up to all of those burgeoning fantasies I had about Bishop, and everything I subsequently loved about androids.

I love the fact that they can be so gentle, you see. So unassuming...and yet so powerful! If you've ever read this blog you'll know I love a dude who embodies these contrasts - calm yet capable of such ferocity, repressed and unemotional but filled with strange yearnings, gentle but strong, humble but capable of amazing feats - these are all things I adore.

And nothing embodies them more cleverly than an android.

Man ALIVE I can't wait for this movie!

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