Monday, August 1, 2011

Mancandy Monday: Brandon Routh

I'm pretty sure I've never done a Brandon Routh Mancandy. Which quite possibly threatens the very existence of our universe, and makes me a likely evol doppelganger of myself. I mean, only an evol doppelganger of myself would not have done a Mancandy about Brandon Routh, by now. Plus, she has a tiny goatee and she eats all of the mint Bliss Hershey's things that I swear were made by God himself, I swear they were.

But enough about Hershey's mint Bliss things copyright God 2011. Onto why it's so unbelievable that I've done so many Mancandies that I now can no longer remember if I've done one about him, or not.

Because seriously, he's like the most perfect man ever. I think God made him while he was eating one of the mint Hershey's Bliss thingies. He put it in his mouth, and then he had an instant orgasm, and then he made Brandon Routh.

Don't believe me? Check out this arm:

I mean seriously. How is his arm like that? It looks like it has a sexy alien growing inside of it. And I don't mind admitting that I want to hump that sexy alien. I want to hump it until it hatches out of his face.

Which probably explains why he's staring in such trepidation at the whole area. I'd be staring too, if my arm was a) that sexy and b) likely to turn into a seven foot xenomorph that eats the crew of my spaceship and leaves me crying in my underwear with a cat.

Though I've got to say, I think I cry harder when I look upon Brandon Routh's glorious visage. Or at least, my vagina cries harder. My vagina cries so much that I have to hook myself up to an IV to combat vagina dehydration. Most of the fluids in my body are halfway down my legs, because of this thing:

I can't even call it a face. It's not a face. It's a mint Hershey's Bliss thing on top of someone's neck. It's my every sexual fantasy made flesh, in so many, many perfect ways that I can't even really talk about it. I mean - he's literally like Zachary Quinto's more attractive younger brother.

Can you even wrap your mind around that? I can't. I can't even think about it without being consumed by my own groin. All I have to do is picture myself going round to Mrs Quinto-Routh's house for tea, ready to wet myself over her gorgeous son Zachary, and then THIS creature walks out of his sweaty boy bedroom and is all like:


Because come on. You know the Brandon Routh in my head talks like that. He's not only vagina dehydratingly handsome, he's also somehow the most adorbs thing ever. He made an orsum Clark Kent precisely because he's so good at tripping over his own feet and being all awkward, and you know how stupid things like that turn my crank.

I want him to trip over his feet and fall face first into my fanny. Which is not half as gross as it sounds, because by this point he's spent half an hour being all vulnerable and cute and prudish, and my vagina's as dry as the Sahara because it just created a miniature Nile around my ankles.

Brandon Routh makes me have geographical locations between my legs. Tomorrow the Discovery Channel are coming around to make a documentary about this mysterious confluence of a giant river and a barren desert. Bear Grylls is going to climb my left thigh and survive on the Ruffles crumbs that I somehow let drop into the crevice behind my kneecap.

But I don't care, because Brandon Routh exists. And not only does he exist, but he also brings more visitors to my blog than any other thing does, purely by virtue of the search term "Brandon Routh bulge". And I can't even feel bad about that, because his bulge looks like this:

And also because recently the search term "Charlotte Stein" overtook it, which just makes me want to kiss the world. Stay still, world. I'm going in.


If you'd like to hear more about my obsession with Brandon Routh, you can visit these posts what I did over at Geek and Kink about him, Superman and Clark Kent:

I have no idea if I've ever said this on my blog because apparently I have all the "my blog" knowledge of someone who's the opposite of me - like, say Cameron Diaz - but I blog every Friday there, and other orsum people blog there on other days about all things sexy and geeky. It's fun! Check it out!

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