Sunday, February 8, 2009

Men: Part One

Okay, so here is my first of many parts on men. And their many parts.

I love men. I love men to the length and breadth and depth of the ocean. I love their bits and bobs, I love their hair, I love their willies. I find it hard to write girl on girl scenes, not because I don’t find them sexy (in fact, I abhor those women who hate lesbian scenes because girl parts are disgusting), but just because I find men sexier.

Men are sexy. Which should maybe go without saying, but then there are a lot of people out there who seem to think men aren't sexy at all. Who wants to see ugly gnarly men, they cry, when you could see beautiful soft women? As though men are giant rocks covered in mould that live under bridges.

And all right. I can understand why certain parties could think that men are gnarly. They are probably straight men, and they likely watch a lot of porn. In which men are often gnarly.

But oh, men can be so lovely. Don't just take my word for it. Check it out:

I mean, what's nicer than that? I just can't help objectifying. I know it's naughty, but I'm staring right down at that arse, right now, with a feather duster right in my hand. And sure, I know it should be a riding crop. But sue me- I like to switch things up a bit.

In all seriousness, though. You know what I like about that pic? Not the fact that he's bound and blindfolded and I get to be the big bad stare-y person staring down at him. I like that curve. That delicious, animalistic curve right before his glorious bee-hind. So steep you could take off down it. Like a little hidden valley, just waiting for someone's tongue. Nom.

And then there's exhibit B, in why men (and men's body's, specifically) are sexy:

This one's fairly self-explanatory, I feel. Look at that little *tock* to his hips. Men can do that! And then there's all those wrinkles and dips and twists all over his arms and shoulders, as though men's bodies can say stuff. They can talk! Look, I'm tense! Maybe I'm flexing for you- who knows? Also, my buttocks are really, really nice. You like 'em all big and round, don't you, Charlotte. Check me flexing mah booty.

Mm. Yes I did. And now exhibit C:

Oh, what. Yeah, I'm going too far with mah newfound objectifying skillz. But dammit, he made me! Yeah, soap that car. Now put some of the water on your titties, you bad girl.

This is fun.

Exhibit D:

Now this one. This one. Oh, I like this one. I like it for many of the reasons I like exhibit C. Because you know what? He kind of looks like a girl.

Now I know what you're thinking, Bertha. You're thinking- but Charlotte! This blog is meant to be about how hot men are! And it is. Men are hot. But they're even hotter when they're in poses traditionally occupied by women. You know- the hot chick soaping her car (even though it's usually men who wash their ailing Ford Fiestas), the babe waiting for you to come to bed.

Well I want some menfolk waiting for me to come to bed. I want the above guy, sort of coyly peeling back the covers before I come to show him what's what.

I like men in traditionally female poses.

Which then leads me from general, into specifics. Because although I like looking at these examples of fine manhoodliness, I prefer specific men. I like characters. I like my bodies to have faces and personalities. I like Ryan Reynolds in a bathtub in that Amityville remake:

I wish this image did the scene justice. I do. Because I tell you what, I'd never seen anything like it before in a Hollywood movie. See my post on digital erosion for more information as to why I dug this so hard.

I dug it because men don't take baths, and they don't soap their cars, and they don't run away from the killer with their butt cheeks jiggling, and they don't turn around in the locker room showers with just a towel clinging to them when they hear a spooky noise, and they don't bend over just as the camera is in the way...

But I kind of want them to. And not because I really want to ogle (Bertha: HA!), but because it's so...different. I want men to not have to worry about being so macho all the time. I want that little tweak, that little slip of newness. Something upside down and inside out.

And I want specifics.

Next Part: Specific men, and why they are awesome. And a bit upside down and inside out.


  1. I stopped worrying about being macho as soon as I was a legal adult. Good thing, too, because I was never very skilled at it. My position is that just because I have a Y chromosome dangling conveniently between my legs and most of my brain cells are devoted to erotic thoughts about women, this doesn't mean I should be expected to change a tire with my teeth, belch at sporting events, or not be frightened by marshmallows.

  2. Aww. But I wanted to see you change a tire with your teeth!

    Only really I just want you to lead the charge of non-macho men, cos all the giant preening macho men are up in mah Hollywood filmz, stealing everything that's sexy. They need help, Jeremy. Show them the way before it's too late and girls don't want to sleep with them!

  3. I'll try! Which way to Hollywood?

    Now, let's see ... I'll need a grunt-proof thesaurus, and six hundred jars of "sensitive male" vitamins.

    Um ... they don't have--ulp--marshmallows in Hollywood, do they?

  4. Men are great, obv, but I have to confess I find a lot of that ripply muscly look a bit disconcerting. Mind you, I have terrible taste, so I'm no judge. I'd always take a particle physicist over a matador, though.

  5. Excellent post! Excellent pics! And yeah, it's grim that 'men are sexy' even needs saying but it does, over and over, until those twits who go 'but women are, like, ya know, objectively more beautiful' are defeated. Looking forward to Part Two!

    And remember, if you ever need a cheap excuse to post some hot man flesh, join us in Man Candy Mondays over on Erotica Cover Watch. (Here's how!)

  6. Yes - lovely post Charlotte. And that picture of the guy washing his car ... it's obviously struck a real chord because it seems to be everywhere right now!

  7. Jeremy- hee! Grunt-proof theasaurus. Uh means hello, as far as I remember.

    Justine- I love non-muscular men, too! Look at him there, washing the car! His butt's just this side of flabby, and that's a-okay by me. I've fancied everyone from Matthew Lillard (giant beanpole) to Oliver Platt (just giant). I liked Ryan Reynolds back when he was not a beefcake, arsing around in Two Guys and a Girl. The sign on my harem door says "You A Man? Get In Here Now Before I Make You Wash My Car In The Nude".

    Ah!!1! Kristina Lloyd is in mah blog! I've figured out how to put the link and a pic just for you guys over at erotica cover watch. But thank you, because you made me explore my blog stuff more and now I've figured out how to post a word count meter! YES!

    Will defo be doing Man Candy Mondays. I usually heart on a new guy every week, so it shouldn't be hard.

    And Janine- that pic is so, so awesome, it isn't a surprise that it's everywhere. I need to write a story about how he got to that place, right now. It fires the imagination! In six month's time we'll have seven erotic anthologies from different publishers, all with stories about a man washing the car without his underkeks on.

  8. Car washing man is definitely my favourite. He almost made me contemplate buying a car, heh heh.

  9. I like car wash man. I'm dirty.. if I lay on that car will he... you know, wash me? :}

  10. 'Course he will. You're Saskia Walker! I'm gonna pimp him out to all fabulous author peeps who grace my blog with their fabulous presences!