Mancandy Monday: The Janitor

Yeah, it's another weird one this week. Sue me- I've been watching long stretches of sitcoms to keep my spirits up while writing and writing and writing.

So this week, it's The Janitor, from Scrubs. This guy:

It took me a while to appreciate the beauty of Janitor. He just whittled away at my heart with all of his little weird moments in Scrubs. How can a guy so ginormous and handsome be so odd? I love big handsome guys who are odd. I'd pet his squirrel army, and I'd never imply that he couldn't think of the word sad, so had to use mop instead. I'd be his wife with only pointer, and thumb-pinky. I'd call him Dr Jan Itor, if that's what he wanted.

Then I'd climb him like a tree. Oh, Janitor.

P.S. So last night, I handed in my anthology to Adam!!!1!11!11!1 Effing hell, can you believe it? I couldn't believe it. I got a fourteen story antho done for him in four and a bit months, AND gave him an extra five stories- just in case. Not only that, but I'm partially happy with what I produced! I just hope he likes them. I worry that a) the overall tone is a bit too sombre and b) the stories aren't erotic enough and c) some things in the stories are a bit too same-y. But I guess everyone has these worries once they've handed something in. I also worried that I hadn't formatted everything correctly, but Adam was good enough to point me in the direction of the tab key without making me feel like a fool. He's simply the best editor to ever exist.

Oh tab key! I previously never knew you existed, but now I love you! You will save me a whole extra bash on the space bar, and make me not look like a div to editors. I should have made this Mancandy Monday: The Tab Key.

Mancandy Monday: Karen Walker

Yeah, you heard that right. My...uh..."man" candy of the day is about as manly as a pink ladyshave:




Though I hear tell that she has balls and was once a boy. (And yes, that IS Karen Walker aka Megan Mullally, from Will and Grace.)

Oh, Karen Walker! I hate you for making me watch Will and Grace, but I love you for being so damned sexy that I actually stop thinking about Brandon Routh/Lee Pace for ten seconds, just to imagine giving you a little kiss goodnight like Grace does.

And then gnawing on your mighty fine ass, like Jack does.

P.S. I am now hunkered down in the writing bunker, trying to get every single story that was ever in my head down on paper before April 6th, my deadline. So if I seemed to have died, Bertha, please don't call the authorities. You can come around and poke me with a stick after I've lobbed my ball of words at Adam Nevill.

Mancandy Monday: Azazeal

Here's the thing about my Mancandy Mondays - and, indeed, my man fancying in general - I don't actually fancy the actors I ramble about.

I've pondered this for a while, now. Should I put Mancandy Monday: Ned, From Pushing Daisies? Or is it simpler just to say Lee Pace, even if that isn't strictly true?

I fancy the characters, really. Not the actors. And so it goes with Michael Fassbender- or in other words, Azazeal from the godawful short lived Sky TV show Hex.

I mean, just check him out on this throne:



Wouldn't you perform demonic rites for him? He's always dead cruel in anything I cast him in, too, which is unusual for me. He holds a special cruel place in my imagination that's not permitted to other man-crushes. He's allowed to break out the riding crops and the handcuffs. He has a secret Bluebeard's room in my harem, that all the other menz try to break into.

But they never will, because it's only for cruel cruel bastwards like Azazeal. He makes bastwardy look cool and also truly sexy, with his almost accented icy voice drifting over me, and his eyes like glaciers.

Also everyone knows- those kids in Eden Lake? Would have got the pounding of a lifetime. As though you ever antagonise Azazeal! Morons.

No Sick Pay For You, Worker.

So I might have appendicitis. It's looking less and less likely, but still. Really made me think about how much we writers rely on our own good spirits/good health/morale. All I could think was: I've only finished ten stories, and half finished another five! What if I'm now in hospital for the next two weeks up to my deadline?!1!

Of course I realise that other writers have it far worse than me. Other writers have to live on their income, and if they're sick or feeling low they get whipped with chains by the Boss of the plant. The Boss writes reports on them: actually dared not to write 1000 words today! Am going to give them nothing but gruel.

And 1000 words is never enough. No bread if they don't try for a 1000 more every day!

I imagine. In fact, I don't imagine. I kind of know, if only on a small scale. I adore writing, I love it, I could never not do it. Every day I am grateful for my little bit of success. It's worth it to put up with the Boss because of all the lovely writing.

But the Boss still sucks, sometimes. Especially when you might have appendicitis.

Mancandy Monday: Lee Pace

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Mancandy Mon- Tuesday!

Okay, so I missed Mancandy Monday. I forgot, all right? Can't you forgive me, Bertha?

What do you mean, no-one could forgive the absence of Clive? Oh, okay. I see what you mean:

BAM!

Check him out. Just check him. Look at his swirling massive eyeballs of lust, swirling you into doing things you shouldn't. He's the kind of man who persuades you into having it off in a Marks and Sparks changing room, and then runs off with your underwear. He's the kind of man who would have sex with his sister (Close My Eyes) or a lactating hooker (Shoot 'Em Up). He looks like he'd start every filthy story with: so, I was in the middle of a girl sandwich, when...

He's just that bad, and craggy, and horny. Oh, Clive. I didn't love you until Closer, but then I understood. You might not be smooth and perfect and rippling with muscles, but your gun metal voice and your eyes like pale pools that somehow smolder at the same time get me every time.

Updates, With A Hint Of Dread

Yeah, I know I missed Mancandy Monday. I know it was meant to be Clive! But won't it be worth waiting for, Bertha, when I shove him out into the world next Monday?

So anyway, updates. Or: how Charlotte lets tiny things get to her and allows a cloud of dread to then form.

I've now written 62000 words for Things. Not a bad tally, and I'm finally starting to be happy with the ideas I'm coming up with and the stories I'm producing. In between I've done an actual chapter by chapter synopsis for the thing I'm hoping to submit to BL, but now I'm not so happy with the thing itself. Needs less humour, and more sex at the start, I feel.

I've had two stories accepted for BL's upcoming anthologies, too, as you may be able to see by the sidebar. Flexible (in Misbehaviour), a story about a man who kind of...teases a woman with his ambiguous sexuality, and Slut (in Sexy Little Numbers), which is about a guy who gets that label, rather than the girl. Really pleased with this, and with Adam's comments on Slut (which made me cry, just about), because I've been so worried about the way I am and the things I like to write about.

I'll probably never be popular. I don't write about the same things Lora Leigh does. But I'm still doing okay and that's so gratifying.

Even though my submission to Xcite books got the smack down. Which I feel okay about, because as the lovely Ella Regina reminded me- I do have my own book! It's so incredible that I have my own anthology, that the idea actually keeps falling out of my head. I'm a div.

Am also a div for letting this feeling of dread surround me. As soon as I get one bit of "bad" news, I always imagine that it's all downhill from here- in every aspect of my life. And sure enough, later on another bit of bad news turned up. So now I'm just waiting for my college to close and my foot to drop off and Black Lace to go bust (oh Jesus, touch that wood) and Clive Owen to be in a hideously disfiguring accident that smoothes out all of his crag and turns him into Brad Pitt.

Note to self: get a hold of self.

But enough about me. How are you?