Saturday, July 10, 2010

Anti-Mancandy Monday: Edward Cullen

Because it's Saturday. And Saturday is somehow the opposite of Monday.

And yes, I know everyone rags on Edward Cullen. It's become somehow the cool thing to do, along with despising Twilight. But I don't exactly hate Twilight, and I don't hate him. I've just found him progressively less hot from movie to movie until I arrived at this place, while watching Eclipse last night.

Edward Cullen/Robert Pattinson is not hot to me. And not just because he's kind of a stalker, talks over Bella a lot and seems to think she can't make her own decisions, is ludicrously old-fashioned and hasn't progressed at all in hundreds of years and is sometimes a douche.

It's also because of these things, that I'm going to scientifically break down in a logical Professor-ly manner.

1. He wears uglymake-up.

Exhibit a:

Not even nice make-up, like Michael Sheen in eyeliner. Ugly make-up.

2. He wears too much of this make-up

Exhibit b:

3. He has stupid contact lenses:

His natural eyes are much better.

4. He pulls dumb, constipated looking faces when he's trying to seem loving.
5. I'll go with an easy, too obvious one. His face is a bit like a banana.

And yes, I know a lot of these things aren't Edward Cullen or Robert Pattinson's fault (the constipation aside, that's totally his fault. Eat more fruit, Edward!). But even so, all of them contribute to my feelings of non-hotness, towards him. And I have to live with that. Daily, I have to face the fact that I like weirdos and goofy looking motherfookers, but cannot fancy Edward Cullen.

It's a tragedy. If only his face wasn't a bit like a banana, and the make up lady hadn't gone nuts with the foundation and the lipstick and Robert Pattinson had taken some Ex-lax! If only, if only. I could have loved him, and been normal.

But alas. Instead I'm just...this thing.


  1. His face is a bit like a banana.

    I haven't seen this movie... but nonetheless I feel comfortable saying that's the best line of film criticism ever.

    Don't ever change, CMVS!

  2. Oh, they messed up the makeup. And I can't deny the unfortunate constipation.

    But come on, now. You're not saying anything new. Except for the banana bit, you totally own that. Fangirls gonna getcha.... shiver in fear!


    I'm afraid I must confess (though I'm kind of over it now) that I do wish EC was my possessive overcontrolling incredibly wealthy vampire boyfriend.

    Not film EC, so much, though I do like the Robster too, but book EC who's a wee bit more ginger. And taller.

    Actually, not so much book EC as fanfiction EC, where he actually does something with his vampy erection...

  3. Hahahaha @ bananaface. Must admit, the whole Twilight thing has passed me by. I'll probably cotton on to it about 5 years too late, as is my wont.

  4. Oh, I think Rob's kinda cute when he just being his own scruffy self, but the vampire thing? Never liked vampires. A boy's gotta make a living, though.

  5. Jeremy- Total Film are absolutely going to hire me tomorrow. I will just do banana based reviews. The Vampire Diaries also has a banana faced guy in it, so I feel there's plenty of room for articles on this vampire-banana phenomenon.

    Jo- I know, I know, but I just couldn't contain my banana based issues, any longer. It's been said, but this fruit problem had to be addressed.

    Justine- Ah, you're not missing anything. Now True Blood, on the other hand...

    Fawn- Hey! Thanks for stopping by! And I agree, he is much cuter in his natural state. Which is weird, because usually I *prefer* vampire versions of dudes.

  6. P.S. Just wanted to say, Fawn, after seeing your blog- the artwork for your books is amazing!