Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Small Things I've Learnt As An Erotic Romance Writer: Part 1

For the first in my series of extensive, dry and beardedly patronising lectures on the positively minute number of things I've learnt while writing and thinking about bonking, I'm going to discuss a particularly thorny and complex issue.

Namely, never mention that your characters need a poo.

Just don't do it. Don't do it ever!

I know the urge is there. I know you might think to yourself: but everyone poos! It's realistic, to have my heroine say "God, I really need a poo".

But resist. You must resist.

If the urge overwhelms you, try phrasing it a little bit more like: "God, I need a crap" or "I'm just gonna go take a crap". Somehow, that just sounds more palatable. More grown up, maybe, and less about things you do in the potty? I don't know.

Just please. Say no to poo.

And thus endeth my first in this series of deadly serious lectures, that I carry out while wearing and stroking a beard.


  1. Laughing wheezily out loud. I do like your edgy alternatives, and will take this advice to heart.

    Amusingly, I was just reading Rachel KB's call for romace submissions and thinking, hmm, I really don't know how to write that.

    But soon, thanks to your bearded lectures, I will!

  2. This is why I love you so.
    You are just so naturally funny as well as educational.
    I resolve to never mention the 'I need a poo' feeling when scribbling some bag o' shite.

  3. This is one of those times when I'm almost frightened to ask what prompted those thoughts...

  4. Jo- You should defo take it to heart. Obviously I'm being silly as usual, but I promise there's a kernel of truth in there! And my bearded lectures will totally help! But more than that: just going for it will help. Just go for it, believe in yourself, go!

    TehHarleyQuinn- And I love you in return, mah dahlink. could probably get away with I need a poo. Only you, you magical lady of wonder.

    Rachel- Don't be frightened! Ok, so one day I was in the middle of a poo and I thought-

    Nah, not really. Just read something where the heroine said "I need a poo" to the hero, and I swear, I couldn't stop laughing for a hundred years. Couldn't even finish the rest of the book. Just couldn't. Stopped the eroticism and the romance stone dead. Have never experienced that before- not even when enemas and gimp masks and all sorts of nonsense went on. It taught me this firm lesson, and now I am passing it on to the rest of the world.